July 8, 2016

by raince

Hey.

Let me start this by saying I hate all of you.

Why?

It’s because I hate myself. And well, what I say of the world is a reflection of my views which is rooted from that self.

I hate myself. And the challenge for me is stop doing that. And well, the best thing to overcome just that is a self-evaluation. Who the fuck am I? What encompasses the entity I call myself?

Fine, let’s have a flashback.

Looking back on how I spent the days before the summer classes started, I was shown an image of myself mummified by my blankets and entombed by my room. You can imagine how lazy I was but this laziness proved not to be solved by anything.

I entertained myself by browsing the internet and watching videos of people whose lives are more exciting than mine. Drowned myself in stories I would never experience in the real world. Got lost in the currents of questions I can never find answers to.

And this current suddenly became so calm until it reached the point of it being so static. I grew tired. I was constantly aiming for something greater and I don’t even know what that was. I guess I was looking for that “Great Perhaps” but I don’t know where to look.

And I don’t even know if I really wanted to or the situation just called for the need. I don’t know.

And this static state led for me to be bored. So bored. If you want to get as close to death as possible, I would suggest you try boredom. The thing with this boredom I experienced was that nothing seems to ever satisfy it. I would feed it things to experience and it just doesn’t have the energy to stand up and do something.

My spirit was aching for some adventures but my mind refused to give it that. This battle of states eventually made me static myself. In an equilibrium? Lol, bruh, please.

You might be thinking I was exploring. Or even lost. LOL, bruh, PLEASE.

How can I be lost when I am stuck?  I’m stuck. I’d much rather be lost but no, I’m stuck. Feet firmly planted on the ground—never moving forward nor back. I don’t know what to aim for because nothing seems fun to do. Nothing would motivate me to move forward, I’m that bored.

I don’t know what shook me that made me think I needed a push. It slapped me out of my trance. I stopped hallucinating.

Guess what? I stopped being scared.

The moment I stopped being scared, an idea flashed into my head. I wanted to do something, I wanted to grow and live and not be pounded into a pulp by boredom. That is how I managed to think about, “What if we make a club?”

So, yes. I aim for some air, I aim for life now.

That’s challenging in itself.

Why? Well, life isn’t always a smooth road. There are bumps in the way. But well, I don’t really know where it will lead us to. So, I’d rather not think too much and just enjoy it all. I don’t want to think about whether it’s painful or rewarding. Overthinking kills my brain but then would give way to my spirit being center stage. But overindulging on things my spirit wants would eventually lead to an overwhelming fiasco of suffocation.

So, whatever.  I’d much rather enjoy the ride.

If there is any.

If not, I live in the invisible idea that there is.

I think that would pave the way of not hating myself because I lose myself in the process. There isn’t anyone to hate.

Quite a fucking challenge.

I piss on it.

So, peace out.

P.S. But I do love myself sometimes. That’s a different topic already. Requires more peeled-off layers. I’m an onion, the more you peel off, the more your nose would wrinkle so let’s not go there.

P.P.S. I love myself when I love him. So, yes. I love myself now and forever. But again, too personal to share.

P.P.P.S. How delicious these donuts are. I can imagine the amount of regret I would sink into after eating a whole batch of them.

Sincerely yours,

Yourself.

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