January 3, 2017

by raince

Classes of of V.Mapa High School resumed today. As expected, I had a hard time waking up because I really couldn’t fathom the idea that I was back to the reality I dreaded for a long time, avoiding it as much as I could during the two weeks I was free from it. Just to be clear, I have no problems with the teaching itself, I just did not think I was ready to deal with responsibilities yet. I wanted to hit the gym because I did not go yesterday (because who the heck do I think I’m kidding? Discipline? Goals? Like, um, hullo. I feasted on an entire jar of chocolate roll-ups and instantly wrapped myself in the blanket of regret afterwards).

So yes, it took a lot of determination on my part to drag myself out of bed. But once I finally did, I was on caffeine overdose and I pedaled my way  to sweating for 45 minutes. Then blah blah blah normal routine. I even prepared a little speech to deliver in class for the new year, just to encourage the kids a little bit. I might have gone a little overboard with it for it consumed one freaking hour.

My adviser told me some pretty alarming news about her pregnancy so I told her I would handle all the classes myself in case she needed time to rest. Sooo, that being said, I taught four sections today- 14, 15, 11, and 8. Needless to say, the number they have as a title is the equivalent sum total of the number of students who showed  up today; props to my babies (Section 8) for having the most attendees on the first day. I was pretty sure that the reason some of these students decided to make it to class was because they needed their allowance. In case you think I’m terrible, they said so themselves.

Section 14 was alright. They were my first class and they behaved well. I could see some of them are hungover (from vacation and alcohol, you could see it from their eyes) so that made their energy level dropped to a minimum. Section 15, despite only having 15 students present there, was still a complete monster.  Section 11 was tolerable, there were just some issues I needed to deal with but nothing major to stress over.

Okay, at this point, I was really really absorbing the kind of energy they were radiating. Dull and sleepy faces everywhere that I think I wore the same expression myself. I couldn’t even bring myself to deliver the speech I rambled inside my head because I was afraid they’d actually start snoring. So, I think that kinda bubbled up inside me and I started feeling a little disheartened, almost to the point I wasn’t in any mood to tell them that it’s the new year and such extravaganza blah blah.

Section 8 kinda made me snap.  The first time I saw my students, they were all mocking me that the seatwork we’d have today would be an activity on New Year’s Resolutions and they said they were tired of it and they did not want to do it anymore so if they could please just go home instead. I tried breathing and told them that I did not prepare this activity myself and if I were granted the permission, I would change it up. They snorted. I lost it and marched to my desk and just sat there, staring at them. The silence that followed was so shocking that I felt a little emotional inside. This was the first time I heard them really really quiet. Like the only sound you could hear were the scratching of pen on paper, the crumbling of paper into fists, the uncomfortable twists of chairs. It sounded peaceful. I felt a bit guilty because I saw how guilty their faces were.

Anyway, I began a game of trying my best not to lose it again. After fifteen minutes of complete silence, I called their attention. I admitted that I was disappointed but it didn’t really matter so much now because they were doing what they were asked to do. I also told them that I do not really believe in resolutions but I do believe in change because you could easily set goals for yourselves whenever you want, New Year just seems to be a more fitting time to do it because it’s symbolic. They started loosening up a little by then, some even asked me questions that I tried my best to answer, some even encouraged me to smile a little.

Funny story, they started being so comfortable that Adrian raised his hand and told me that he was really happy because January is the birth month of his baby and he wanted to be really good to her. I was like, “Adrian, you’re too young to have a girlfriend.” He went all confused and said, “Girlfriend? Ma’am, I meant my kid.” I gave him a blank stare, waiting for the punchline until the actuality of it being a fact punched me instead. WHAT THE HELL. He’s freaking 14. He gave me a cheesy grin and went back to his work. That was a wut moment.

Anyways, I kinda lost it again before I dismissed them but that one student I kinda called on apologized. All is well.

I’m currently researching (plagiarizing) on Climate Change. It’s making my eyes drop.

See you.